“You’re drunk,” the full glass of water said to the half-empty glass next to it.
The half-empty glass thought about this for a bit, and finally said, “I’m only half-drunk, but you’re just full of…”
And then the half-empty glass fell over, and poured its contents all over the bar.
“What’ve you been up to?”
“I finally finished my teleporter.”
“Impressive! How’d you get around all that quantum mechanics and uncertainty principle stuff?”
“Most of it just cancels out.”
“Most?”
“I just set direction and distance. The teleportee gets to the destination 50% of the time.”
“Otherwise?”
“Same distance, opposite direction.”
He would do this thing where he could guess what you had eaten in the past 12 hours simply by smelling your farts.
His accuracy was uncanny.
One day, though, a particularly smelly one stumped him, but good.
“It must be something I’ve never smelled before.”
“Probably. I’m a cannibal.”
“Oh.”
After thirty years, the spy remained completely undetected. He’d blended into the enemy’s society, becoming a valuable part of the community. He made many good friends. He married. Had children. He made sure everyone who knew him trusted him. Now was the time to act. What was his mission, again?
I went back in time to tell myself this story was lame, to just scrap it, but then I later went back in time again to tell my meddling self to stop doubting myself. Then I got into a fight with myself. Oh, forget it, I fell down stairs, okay?
They were deciphering the inscription at the feet of a newly-discovered statue:
” ‘I stand tall, immobile’ ”
“What is it?”
” ‘Always a likeness, but never becoming’ ”
“Ah, a riddle!”
” ‘If I fall, I crumble’ ”
“What could it be?”
” ‘Outside, birds would use me for target practice’ ”
“What is it?”
“No idea.”
He was dating two girls at the same time. Except, one was actually his mother. And the other was his sister. Actually, his sister was technically his brother. Also, his father was actually an alien from Andromeda. Their memories had all been wiped. This all happened in an alternate timeline.
A faraway future:
POOF!
“Hi!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m your guardian angel.”
“Boy are you wasting your time, then.”
“Why? You think you don’t deserve me?”
“No.”
“You already have a guardian angel?”
“Nope.”
“You don’t believe in angels?”
“Nah.”
“Then what?”
“I’m an angel too. The humans are gone.”
“You were conceived right here, in this house. All part of the plan.”
This new information puzzled young Charity.
“But why was I born here, instead of the hospital?”
“I had to have you here. We’d already picked your name.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know: Charity begins at home.”
“What was mankind’s effect on its environment, in the grand scheme of things? (50 words or less)”
Young Billy thought about the question, then began a few sentences but soon crossed each one out.
Then, suddenly, everything fell into place in his mind.
His final essay read, in full:
“Mostly harmless.”