A faraway future:
POOF!
“Hi!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m your guardian angel.”
“Boy are you wasting your time, then.”
“Why? You think you don’t deserve me?”
“No.”
“You already have a guardian angel?”
“Nope.”
“You don’t believe in angels?”
“Nah.”
“Then what?”
“I’m an angel too. The humans are gone.”
“You were conceived right here, in this house. All part of the plan.”
This new information puzzled young Charity.
“But why was I born here, instead of the hospital?”
“I had to have you here. We’d already picked your name.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know: Charity begins at home.”
“What was mankind’s effect on its environment, in the grand scheme of things? (50 words or less)”
Young Billy thought about the question, then began a few sentences but soon crossed each one out.
Then, suddenly, everything fell into place in his mind.
His final essay read, in full:
“Mostly harmless.”
Giant crabs have been sighted in the San Francisco Bay area, attacking people and damaging vehicles and buildings.
Experts have found that the crabs avoid areas where their natural predator, the flounder, can be seen.
If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flounders in your hair.
The squiggles had to be an alien message. He looked again, hoping to see some overall pattern… For weeks, he’d found these squiggles that no human hands could have made on his papers. He left, frustrated.
A spider fell into his ink, then walked around the blank sheets of paper.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Stop.
Pant.
Breathe.
Scream.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Stop.
Door!
Open.
Light!
Burns!
See.
People.
Frozen.
Confused…
Touch.
Hard?
Yes.
Statues.
Impressed.
Look.
Movement!
Run.
Catch!
Kid?
Midget?
Leprechaun?
Goblin!
Icky…
Bitten!
Scream!
Pain.
Disappeared.
Where?
Door.
Slam!
Lock.
Walk.
Open?
Locked.
Numbness…
Slowing…
Immobile.
Stuck!
Statue.
“Prepare to meet your maker, scum!”
“Ah, no imagination, so you go with a classic.”
“Shut up!”
“Who sent you to kill me?”
“I’m not saying.”
“You’ll shoot me in a minute, so why do you care?”
“Rick Grimes sent me.”
“Oh.”
“What?”
“Didn’t you know?”
“WHAT?”
“Grimes doesn’t pay.”
Waiting in line at one of those alcoholic beverage-tasting events.
He was telling one of his jokes:
“…and then she says, ‘I don’t know why you’re bending over, but I can’t wait to find out!’”
“Meh.”
“Not funny?”
“The punch line is too long. Let’s switch to the beer line.”
Some people like to pinch themselves. Others like to cut themselves.
He liked to burn himself. Especially when he would get a nice, large, juicy boil.
Like this one, a real beauty.
“I can’t wait for this one to pop!”
But it just wouldn’t pop.
A watched boil never pops.
When she reached the age of eighteen, Penny shaved her head.
“Shave it all off,” she told her surprised hairdresser.
As Penny walked out of the salon, she was attacked by a gang of thugs who thought she was from a rival gang.
A Penny shaved is a Penny mourned.