The Pimple

He had one of those huge, ugly, annoying and itchy pimples that just wouldn’t go away.

The third time he tried squeezing it, it finally burst.

Then it leaked this milky, disgusting fluid, and kept on doing it for days.

He eventually went to his doctor, who said, “You’re lactating.”

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Slaying Vampires, or Apologies to Joss Whedon

“There I was, enjoying a nice restaurant meal, when these vampires burst in and scared everybody.  I picked up my steak, pushed it into that vampire’s heart, and dusted him.”

“Stake isn’t spelled ‘S-T-E-A-K’.”

“Those vamps didn’t seem to know much about spelling.”

“Guess they should have stayed in school.”

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The Smell of Fear

“What’s that smell?”

“That, my good friend, is the smell of fear, amplified a billion-fold.”

“Smells like stale pee.”

“One of the ingredients.”

“Dangerous?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, is it toxic or something?”

“It’s perfectly safe.”

Just then, all predators in a ten-mile radius burst in and ate them.

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Just Another Day at the Passport Office

On a boring day at the passport office, some guy burst in.  Looked like he’d been attacked by a bear.

Uncharacteristically, government employees rushed to help him.  He was later taken by ambulance.

Turns out he’d infected all the employees with the zombie plague.

Didn’t affect their work performance, though.

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