The Alien Invasion Song (part 1)

I thought I’d have this song ready before the end of the weekend.  It’s the reason for the lack of updates since Wednesday.  Anyway, here are the three 50-word parts of the song.  It’ll probably take me another week, at least, to record everything and get the full song ready for posting here.  In the meantime, you can enjoy the words outside their musical context, and evaluate them on their own merit.

And don’t bother looking for rhymes, I didn’t put any in there, at least not on purpose.

When the aliens came, we thought we were ready
When they landed, we cautiously greeted them
But we kept our arsenal behind our backs

In friendship we held out our hand
And we secretly made a fist with the other

We thought we were ready
But they had us already!

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The Note

He walks up to the teller, and hands her a note.

Without reading it, she triggers the silent alarm and waits for the whole security shebang. Before he knows it, he’s trapped in a net, and being carted out to jail.

She finally picks up the note, reading, “I’m mute.”

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The Infinite Strip-Tease

The girl kept on seductively stripping, but every garment she removed left a residue that  gradually covered her again.

“That poor girl’s going to die of exhaustion.”

“Not my problem, she signed the contract, she can’t leave the stage until she’s completely nude.”

“It’s inhuman, yet I can’t stop watching.”

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No, that’s not Klingon

.thguoht eh “,ereht wen gnihtoN”

.meht dnatsrednu t’ndid eh dna ,mih dnatsrednu t’ndid yeht esuaceb ,enoyna htiw etacinummoc t’ndluoc eH

.lamron ot nruter dna tceffe eht (niaga drow taht s’ereht) esrever ot yaw a fo kniht ton dluoc eh dna ,sdrawkcab emit decneirepxe won eH.  secneuqesnoc neeserofnu dah tnemirepxe siH

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Slaying Vampires, or Apologies to Joss Whedon

“There I was, enjoying a nice restaurant meal, when these vampires burst in and scared everybody.  I picked up my steak, pushed it into that vampire’s heart, and dusted him.”

“Stake isn’t spelled ‘S-T-E-A-K’.”

“Those vamps didn’t seem to know much about spelling.”

“Guess they should have stayed in school.”

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Food Fight

“Tomatoes always lose in a fight: they’re too fragile.”

“Yeah, but potatoes or carrots can’t stand the heat either, they just soften and fall apart.”

“So, who would win in a vegetable food fight?”

“Onions.”

“Why?”

“Onions are natural tear gas, for one.  Plus, they are great mine layers.”

“Layers?”

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Food Forethought

He had this para-normal ability about eating and food.  He would always know what he was going to eat, days in advance.

He could taste it.

He could feel it go down (or coming up).

Then, one day, it all stopped.

So he killed himself, to avoid starving to death.

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Think of the Children!

“Save my children!” screamed the woman as the firemen carried her out.

Hank went back in.

Avoiding a sudden fireball to his right, he slips through a hole in the wall to his left, into the next room. Looking around, he sees them.

“Dolls,” he snarls as the building collapses.

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Racism

“I had to fire half my staff.”

“You only had four employees!”

“So?  I still had to fire two people.”

“Why?”

“When my best floor technician, Harry White, left, I hired two asian techs to replace him.”

“But, didn’t you just fire two asians?”

“Two Wongs don’t make a White.”

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Paranoïa

“It’s like everybody’s out to get me.”

“How does that make you feel?”
“Well, kinda helpless. And depressed. Even my best friends seem to be avoiding me. Heh, I must be imagining things.”

“Even if you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”

Psychoanalyst: Satan’s new hobby.

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